Welcome to Best Funny Quotes, your online source for the Funniest Quotes online. Here you will find Cool Funny Quotes, Short Funny Quotes and different categories of funny quotes like Funny Birthday Quote, Funny Divorce Quotes, Funny Wedding Quotes, Funny Women Quotes, Funny Love Quotes, Funny Christmas Quotes and Lots more.
Some Short Funny Quotes for you:
" Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives."
"It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,but this wasn't it."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
" If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."
"It's deja-vu all over again."
"If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer."
"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
"It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living."
"The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands."
"You can't think and hit at the same time."
"If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be."
"If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping."
"All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something. "
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency."
"LAWYERS - CRIMINALS I FORGET THE DIFFERENCE"
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
"Well, at least the war on the environment is going well."
"Jesus loves me, this I know - that is why I don't drive slow!"
"IF THE SCREAMS FROM MY TRUNK BOTHER YOU TURN UP YOUR RADIO"
"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after. "
"Love Thy neighbors but don't get caught"
"I'M NOT TAILGATING I'M KISSING ASS"
"Ice cream is not sexy. It's not wiggly and jiggly."
"My feminine side is lesbian."
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"
"Without geometry, life is pointless."
"You Look Like I Need Another Drink"
"Work, yeah I tried that once. Worst 7 minutes of my life."
" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."
" Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"
Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
Funny Birthday Quotes
The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything.
~Oscar Wilde
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
~Sam Ewing
We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it
~Author Unknown
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
~Lucille Ball
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.
~Maurice Chevalie
No wonder I'm unhappy - My twin forgot my birthday.
~Jerry Dennis
No wise man ever wished to be younger.
~Jonathan Swift
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
~George Bernard Shaw
Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
~Don Marquis
There is still no cure for the common birthday. ~John Glenn
And it comes every year like clockwork.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
~Charles Schulz
SO its no point worrying and you should take as much as you can while you have it.
One starts to get young at the age of sixty and then it is too late.
~ Pablo Picasso
You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
~Author Unknown
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
~Robert Frost
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
~Jennifer Yane
Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
~ Robert Frost
Life is too short to be small.
~Benjamin Disraeli
I never forget my wife's birthday. It's usually the day after she reminds me about it.
~Unknown
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
~Bob Hope
At age 50, everyone has the face he deserves.
~ George Orwell
The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.
~Pope Paul VI
May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine.
~Frank Sinatra
Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
~ C.E.M. Joad
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
~Bernard Baruch
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
~Alphonse Karr
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
~Larry Lorenzoni
~Oscar Wilde
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
~Sam Ewing
We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it
~Author Unknown
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
~Lucille Ball
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.
~Maurice Chevalie
No wonder I'm unhappy - My twin forgot my birthday.
~Jerry Dennis
No wise man ever wished to be younger.
~Jonathan Swift
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
~George Bernard Shaw
Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
~Don Marquis
There is still no cure for the common birthday. ~John Glenn
And it comes every year like clockwork.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
~Charles Schulz
SO its no point worrying and you should take as much as you can while you have it.
One starts to get young at the age of sixty and then it is too late.
~ Pablo Picasso
You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
~Author Unknown
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
~Robert Frost
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
~Jennifer Yane
Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
~ Robert Frost
Life is too short to be small.
~Benjamin Disraeli
I never forget my wife's birthday. It's usually the day after she reminds me about it.
~Unknown
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
~Bob Hope
At age 50, everyone has the face he deserves.
~ George Orwell
The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.
~Pope Paul VI
May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine.
~Frank Sinatra
Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
~ C.E.M. Joad
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
~Bernard Baruch
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
~Alphonse Karr
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
~Larry Lorenzoni
Behaviour Quotes and Sayings
Some funny quotes on human behaviour:
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
~Francis Beaumont
With a gentleman I am always a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half.
~Otto Von Bismarck
To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.
~ Rene Descartes
Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them.
~ C.S. Lewis
Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men's behavior is measured with a feminine ruler.
~ Francesca M. Cancian
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
~Peter Ustinov
Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act.
~George W. Crane
What you do not want others to do to you, do not do to others.
~Confucius
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt
It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.
~Dr. Rob Gilbert
Eccentric behavior is not routinely noticed around a movie set.
~Gene Tierney
Perfect behaviour is born of complete indifference.
~Cesare Pavese
We are all serving a life sentence, and good behavior is our only hope for a pardon.
~Doug Horton
I've been trying to avoid goal-oriented behavior.
~Laurie Anderson
Spry is not a look, spry is behavior.
~Robert Culp
The wolf changes his coat, but not his disposition.
~Proverb
With animal behavior, they're all fine until you introduce some rogue element into the cage, and then they go crazy.
~Jeanette Winterson
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
~Francis Beaumont
With a gentleman I am always a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half.
~Otto Von Bismarck
To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.
~ Rene Descartes
Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them.
~ C.S. Lewis
Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men's behavior is measured with a feminine ruler.
~ Francesca M. Cancian
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
~Peter Ustinov
Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act.
~George W. Crane
What you do not want others to do to you, do not do to others.
~Confucius
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt
It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.
~Dr. Rob Gilbert
Eccentric behavior is not routinely noticed around a movie set.
~Gene Tierney
Perfect behaviour is born of complete indifference.
~Cesare Pavese
We are all serving a life sentence, and good behavior is our only hope for a pardon.
~Doug Horton
I've been trying to avoid goal-oriented behavior.
~Laurie Anderson
Spry is not a look, spry is behavior.
~Robert Culp
The wolf changes his coat, but not his disposition.
~Proverb
With animal behavior, they're all fine until you introduce some rogue element into the cage, and then they go crazy.
~Jeanette Winterson
Beauty Quotes and Sayings
Some Beauty Quotes and Sayings
Beauty is the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
~Ambrose Bierce
Personal beauty is a better introduction than any letter;
~Diogenes Laertius
Everything beautiful has its moment and then passes away.
~Luis Cernuda
Beauty when most unclothed is clothed best.
~Sicelides
When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other.
~Chinese proverb
Beauty is the bait which with delight allures man to enlarge his kind.
~Edmund Spenser.. slightly funny beauty quote :)
What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Champagne is the only wine a woman can drink and still remain beautiful.
~Mme. de Pompadour
Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.
~Charles Readde
Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got.
~Sophia Loren
Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.
~Kin Hubbard
Beauty in the flesh will continue to rule the world.
~Florenz Ziegfeld
A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful.
~Karl Kraus
Plainness has its peculiar temptations quite as much as beauty.
~George Eliot
Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.
~Roseanne
The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.
~Havelock Ellis
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
~Jean Kerr
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
~Helen Rowland
Truth is beautiful within and without, forevermore.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman, any woman, with beautiful legs.
~Marlene Dietrich
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
~Kahlil Gibran
Add your own beauty quotes
Beauty is the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
~Ambrose Bierce
Personal beauty is a better introduction than any letter;
~Diogenes Laertius
Everything beautiful has its moment and then passes away.
~Luis Cernuda
Beauty when most unclothed is clothed best.
~Sicelides
When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other.
~Chinese proverb
Beauty is the bait which with delight allures man to enlarge his kind.
~Edmund Spenser.. slightly funny beauty quote :)
What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Champagne is the only wine a woman can drink and still remain beautiful.
~Mme. de Pompadour
Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.
~Charles Readde
Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got.
~Sophia Loren
Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.
~Kin Hubbard
Beauty in the flesh will continue to rule the world.
~Florenz Ziegfeld
A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful.
~Karl Kraus
Plainness has its peculiar temptations quite as much as beauty.
~George Eliot
Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.
~Roseanne
The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.
~Havelock Ellis
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
~Jean Kerr
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
~Helen Rowland
Truth is beautiful within and without, forevermore.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman, any woman, with beautiful legs.
~Marlene Dietrich
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
~Kahlil Gibran
Add your own beauty quotes
Basketball Quotes and Sayings
Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious.
~ Charles Shackleford
The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play "Drop the Handkerchief.
~ James Naismith
A tough day at the office is even tougher when your OFFICE contains spectator seating.
~ Nik Posa
The only important shot you take is the next one. Because no matter how hard you try, that is the only one you can still have an effect on!
~ Jason Bumblis
On a player passing up an open shot: "You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take" ~Joe Ledbetter,Favorite Basketball Quotes #3
You don't play against opponents, you play against the game of basketball.
~Bobby Knight
Basketball is like photography, if you don't focus, all you have is the negative.
~ Dan Frisby
Basketball is the MTV of sports.
~Sara Levinson
I liked the choreography, but I didn't care for the costumes.
~Tommy Tune
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
~Dave Barry
The rule was "No autopsy, no foul.
~Stewart Granger
Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up.
~Bill Vaughn
This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.
~Dick Vertleib
If you are going to take it to the bank, then you better cash it in.
~ Shannon Fish
Our centers spread the floor, shoot the three and block shots. We can play pick and pop.
~ Steve Nash
My best move is probably my pull up jump shot.
~ Steve Nash
These Liberty girls, they don't have sex, but you can always play in the mud!!
~John Swickrath
Just remember, their fans think their players are supermen. Well we're the kryptonite, and we're gonna win.
~Jim Larranaga
Not only is there more to life than basketball, there's a lot more to basketball than basketball.
~Phil Jackson
If I weren't earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.
~Charles Barkley
I'm the basketball version of a gravedigger.
~ Dennis Rodman
My biggest win was getting the meal money bumped from $5 to $7.
~Bob Cousy
Our offense is like the pythagorean theorem: There is no answer!
~ Shaquille O'Neal
People are threatened by me. Rich white, rich blacks, it doesn't matter.
~Dennis Rodman
People say that, but I think the NBA was bigger than Larry Bird and Magic Johnson.
~ Oscar Robertson
People still cheat on their wives, that hasn't fallen out of fashion. We all speak of it badly, but it has not fallen out of fashion.
~ Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.
~ Weldon Drew
~ Charles Shackleford
The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play "Drop the Handkerchief.
~ James Naismith
A tough day at the office is even tougher when your OFFICE contains spectator seating.
~ Nik Posa
The only important shot you take is the next one. Because no matter how hard you try, that is the only one you can still have an effect on!
~ Jason Bumblis
On a player passing up an open shot: "You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take" ~Joe Ledbetter,Favorite Basketball Quotes #3
You don't play against opponents, you play against the game of basketball.
~Bobby Knight
Basketball is like photography, if you don't focus, all you have is the negative.
~ Dan Frisby
Basketball is the MTV of sports.
~Sara Levinson
I liked the choreography, but I didn't care for the costumes.
~Tommy Tune
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
~Dave Barry
The rule was "No autopsy, no foul.
~Stewart Granger
Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up.
~Bill Vaughn
This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.
~Dick Vertleib
If you are going to take it to the bank, then you better cash it in.
~ Shannon Fish
Our centers spread the floor, shoot the three and block shots. We can play pick and pop.
~ Steve Nash
My best move is probably my pull up jump shot.
~ Steve Nash
These Liberty girls, they don't have sex, but you can always play in the mud!!
~John Swickrath
Just remember, their fans think their players are supermen. Well we're the kryptonite, and we're gonna win.
~Jim Larranaga
Not only is there more to life than basketball, there's a lot more to basketball than basketball.
~Phil Jackson
If I weren't earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.
~Charles Barkley
I'm the basketball version of a gravedigger.
~ Dennis Rodman
My biggest win was getting the meal money bumped from $5 to $7.
~Bob Cousy
Our offense is like the pythagorean theorem: There is no answer!
~ Shaquille O'Neal
People are threatened by me. Rich white, rich blacks, it doesn't matter.
~Dennis Rodman
People say that, but I think the NBA was bigger than Larry Bird and Magic Johnson.
~ Oscar Robertson
People still cheat on their wives, that hasn't fallen out of fashion. We all speak of it badly, but it has not fallen out of fashion.
~ Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.
~ Weldon Drew
Baseball Quotes and Sayings
Some of the funniest baseball quotes.
I've come to the conclusion that the two most important things in life are good friends and a good bullpen. ~Bob Lemon, 1981
Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? ~Jim Bouton, 1988
Baseball is a fun game. It beats working for a living. ~Phil Linz
A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. ~Earl Wilson
A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz. ~Humphrey Bogart
Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer. ~Ted Williams
I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. ~Tom Clark
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry
People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby
Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon
When they start the game, they don't yell, "Work ball." They say, "Play ball." ~Willie Stargell, 1981
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. ~George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~Rogers Hornsby
This is a game to be savored, not gulped. There's time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings. ~Bill Veeck
A baseball park is the one place where a man's wife doesn't mind his getting excited over somebody else's curves. ~Brendan Francis
It ain't like football. You can't make up no trick plays. ~Yogi Berra
Awards mean a lot, but they don't say it all. The people in baseball mean more to me than statistics.
~ Ernie Banks
Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. ~George F. Will, Men at Work: The Craft of Baseball, 1990
I became a good pitcher when I stopped trying to make them miss the ball and started trying to make them hit it. ~Sandy Koufax
Hitting is timing. Pitching is upsetting timing. ~Warren Spahn
Why does everybody stand up and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there?
~Larry Anderson
Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.
~ George Bernard
Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.
~ Mary McGrory
Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen got hit in the mouth by line drivers.
~ Dan Jenkins
A baseball game is twice as much fun if you're seeing it on the company's time. ~William C. Feather
Don't forget to swing hard, in case you hit the ball.
~Woodie Held
I've come to the conclusion that the two most important things in life are good friends and a good bullpen. ~Bob Lemon, 1981
Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? ~Jim Bouton, 1988
Baseball is a fun game. It beats working for a living. ~Phil Linz
A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. ~Earl Wilson
A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz. ~Humphrey Bogart
Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer. ~Ted Williams
I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. ~Tom Clark
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry
People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby
Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon
When they start the game, they don't yell, "Work ball." They say, "Play ball." ~Willie Stargell, 1981
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. ~George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~Rogers Hornsby
This is a game to be savored, not gulped. There's time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings. ~Bill Veeck
A baseball park is the one place where a man's wife doesn't mind his getting excited over somebody else's curves. ~Brendan Francis
It ain't like football. You can't make up no trick plays. ~Yogi Berra
Awards mean a lot, but they don't say it all. The people in baseball mean more to me than statistics.
~ Ernie Banks
Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. ~George F. Will, Men at Work: The Craft of Baseball, 1990
I became a good pitcher when I stopped trying to make them miss the ball and started trying to make them hit it. ~Sandy Koufax
Hitting is timing. Pitching is upsetting timing. ~Warren Spahn
Why does everybody stand up and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there?
~Larry Anderson
Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.
~ George Bernard
Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.
~ Mary McGrory
Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen got hit in the mouth by line drivers.
~ Dan Jenkins
A baseball game is twice as much fun if you're seeing it on the company's time. ~William C. Feather
Don't forget to swing hard, in case you hit the ball.
~Woodie Held
Action Quotes
Some Funny Action Quotes.
Between saying and doing many a pair of shoes is worn out.
~Italian Proverb
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
~Mark Twain
The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems.
~Mohandas K. Gandhi
After all is said and done, a lot more will have been said than done.
~Author Unknown
Good thoughts are no better than good dreams, unless they be executed.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
An idea not coupled with action will never get any bigger than the brain cell it occupied.
~Arnold Glasow
I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.
~Thomas Jefferson
A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion.
~Washington Irving
Take it easy -- but take it.
~Woody Guthrie
Action is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.
~Oscar Wilde
What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
If ifs were gifts, every day would be Christmas.
~Charles Barkley
"When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers."
~ Colleen C. Barrett
If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
~Henry J. Kaiser
We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts.
~Harold Nicolson
He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.
~Benjamin Franklin
Action will remove the doubts that theory cannot solve.
~Tehyi Hsieh
There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought.
~ Laurence J. Peter
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. ~ Mark Twain
"The shortest answer is doing."
~Lord Herbert
Words should be used as tools of communication and not as a substitute for action. ~Unknown
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
~Elbert Hubbard
I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.
~Frederick Douglass
Between saying and doing many a pair of shoes is worn out.
~Italian Proverb
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
~Mark Twain
The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems.
~Mohandas K. Gandhi
After all is said and done, a lot more will have been said than done.
~Author Unknown
Good thoughts are no better than good dreams, unless they be executed.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
An idea not coupled with action will never get any bigger than the brain cell it occupied.
~Arnold Glasow
I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.
~Thomas Jefferson
A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion.
~Washington Irving
Take it easy -- but take it.
~Woody Guthrie
Action is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.
~Oscar Wilde
What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
If ifs were gifts, every day would be Christmas.
~Charles Barkley
"When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers."
~ Colleen C. Barrett
If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
~Henry J. Kaiser
We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts.
~Harold Nicolson
He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.
~Benjamin Franklin
Action will remove the doubts that theory cannot solve.
~Tehyi Hsieh
There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought.
~ Laurence J. Peter
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. ~ Mark Twain
"The shortest answer is doing."
~Lord Herbert
Words should be used as tools of communication and not as a substitute for action. ~Unknown
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
~Elbert Hubbard
I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.
~Frederick Douglass
Anger Quotes
There are many anger quotes that can be very funny, here are some.
If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size? ~Sydney J. Harris
Get mad, then get over it. ~Colin Powell
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~Malachy McCourt
Next time you're mad, try dancing out your anger. ~Sweetpea Tyler
Malice drinks one-half of its own poison. ~Seneca
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. ~Mark Twain
The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong. ~Wilson Mizner
If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: 'I used to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or fourth day.' When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the gods.
~Epictetus
Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.
~Albert Einstein
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
~Ambrose Bierce
I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.
~Booker T. Washington
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
~Golda Meir
Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
~Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
~Willard Gaylin
Keep cool; anger is not an argument.
~Daniel Webster
Anger should never be an overnight guest.
~Neal A. Maxwell
He is a fool who cannot be angry;
~Seneca
Flying off the handle sometimes causes hammers and humans to lose their heads, as well as their effectiveness.
~William Arthur Ward
People who fly into a rage always make a bad
landing.
~ Will Rogers.
If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size? ~Sydney J. Harris
Get mad, then get over it. ~Colin Powell
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~Malachy McCourt
Next time you're mad, try dancing out your anger. ~Sweetpea Tyler
Malice drinks one-half of its own poison. ~Seneca
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. ~Mark Twain
The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong. ~Wilson Mizner
If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: 'I used to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or fourth day.' When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the gods.
~Epictetus
Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.
~Albert Einstein
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
~Ambrose Bierce
I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.
~Booker T. Washington
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
~Golda Meir
Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
~Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
~Willard Gaylin
Keep cool; anger is not an argument.
~Daniel Webster
Anger should never be an overnight guest.
~Neal A. Maxwell
He is a fool who cannot be angry;
~Seneca
Flying off the handle sometimes causes hammers and humans to lose their heads, as well as their effectiveness.
~William Arthur Ward
People who fly into a rage always make a bad
landing.
~ Will Rogers.
Advice Quotes
These are some of my favorite advice quotes
Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay
It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. ~FranÁois Duc de La Rochefoucauld
I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. ~Josh Billings
Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.
~Unknown
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld
When a man wants your advice he generally wants your praise.
~Lord Chesterfield
Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. ~Mary Wortley Montagu
Give advice to your children while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about
~Unknown
I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.
~ G. K. Chesterton
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
~Erica Jong
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it
~Agatha Christie
I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. ~Oscar Wilde
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. ~Gordon R. Dickson
The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. ~Author Unknown
Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. ~FranÁois La Rochefoucauld
When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. ~Charles Varlet de La Grange
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. ~Author Unknown
We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. ~Author Unknown
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.~
Josh Billings
Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay
It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. ~FranÁois Duc de La Rochefoucauld
I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. ~Josh Billings
Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.
~Unknown
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld
When a man wants your advice he generally wants your praise.
~Lord Chesterfield
Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. ~Mary Wortley Montagu
Give advice to your children while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about
~Unknown
I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.
~ G. K. Chesterton
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
~Erica Jong
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it
~Agatha Christie
I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. ~Oscar Wilde
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. ~Gordon R. Dickson
The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. ~Author Unknown
Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. ~FranÁois La Rochefoucauld
When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. ~Charles Varlet de La Grange
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. ~Author Unknown
We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. ~Author Unknown
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.~
Josh Billings
Funny Alcohol Quotes
Here are some funny quotes on alcohol, not the chemistry lab kind but the drinking kind, but of course you only expected that :)
I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it. ~Raymond Chandler
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ~Lady Astor
When the wine is in, the wit is out. ~Proverb
No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkeness - or so good as drink. ~Lord Chesterton
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me.
~Brendan Behan
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. ~Jean Kerr
We borrowed golf from Scotland as we borrowed whiskey. Not because it is Scottish, but because it is good. ~Horace Hutchinson
A man ought not never to get drunk above the neck. ~Author Unknown
If you wish to keep your affairs secret, drink no wine. ~Author Unknown
They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst. ~Scottish Proverb
Bacchus has drowned more men than Neptune. ~Giuseppe Garibaldi
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~Frank Sinatra
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. ~Dave Barry
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. ~Robert Benchley
I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. ~Oscar Levant
Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems. ~Homer Simpson
I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver. ~Phil Harris
I drink only to make my friends seem interesting. ~Don Marquis
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss. ~Robert Heinlein
I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.
~Noel Coward
I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not.
~Brendan Behan
Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third.
~Knute Rockne
Candy is dandy But liquor is quicker.
~Ogden Nash
Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion.
~Unknown
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fu*k
~George Carlin
Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend.
~Gerard Way
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
~Frank Sinatra
Life's a waste of time, time's a waste of life so let's all get wasted and have the time of our life.
~Author Unknown
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
~Phyllis Diller
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
~Rita Rudner
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
~Winston Churchill
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
~Henny Youngman
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
~Winston Churchill
How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
~Author Unknown
Page 2 of Alcohol Quotes
I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it. ~Raymond Chandler
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ~Lady Astor
When the wine is in, the wit is out. ~Proverb
No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkeness - or so good as drink. ~Lord Chesterton
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me.
~Brendan Behan
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. ~Jean Kerr
We borrowed golf from Scotland as we borrowed whiskey. Not because it is Scottish, but because it is good. ~Horace Hutchinson
A man ought not never to get drunk above the neck. ~Author Unknown
If you wish to keep your affairs secret, drink no wine. ~Author Unknown
They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst. ~Scottish Proverb
Bacchus has drowned more men than Neptune. ~Giuseppe Garibaldi
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~Frank Sinatra
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. ~Dave Barry
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. ~Robert Benchley
I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. ~Oscar Levant
Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems. ~Homer Simpson
I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver. ~Phil Harris
I drink only to make my friends seem interesting. ~Don Marquis
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss. ~Robert Heinlein
I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.
~Noel Coward
I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not.
~Brendan Behan
Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third.
~Knute Rockne
Candy is dandy But liquor is quicker.
~Ogden Nash
Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion.
~Unknown
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fu*k
~George Carlin
Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend.
~Gerard Way
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
~Frank Sinatra
Life's a waste of time, time's a waste of life so let's all get wasted and have the time of our life.
~Author Unknown
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
~Phyllis Diller
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
~Rita Rudner
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
~Winston Churchill
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
~Henny Youngman
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
~Winston Churchill
How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
~Author Unknown
Page 2 of Alcohol Quotes
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